DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH FAITH?

 

Faith. 

I struggle with it too. 

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

This weekend I hit a low & became extremely angry with God and took that anger out on someone else. I was angry because I felt as if He wasn’t listening to me. He had become silent when I needed Him the most. 

When things don’t go your way, don’t assume that God is ignoring you. The desires of your heart during these silent seasons haven’t been brought to fruition because your faith is being tested. 

I’ve had to learn it the hard way. 

Today I learned that God intentionally denies your requests so that your faith will grow. How amazing is that!? God will meet you where you’re at, so that as you persist in your journey, the Holy Spirit will meet you where you’re going. 

So if you’re having doubts and constantly feel like God failing you, remember that everything happens for a reason. Take this moment to build a relationship with Him, so that He can fulfill the plans He has for you. 💫

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Fe.

Yo también lucho con eso.

CADA. DÍA. 

Este fin de semana me sentí muy mal y estaba enojada con Dios porque sentí que no me estaba escuchando. Sentí que Dios se quedo callado cuando más lo necesitaba. 

Cuando las cosas no van a tú manera, no asuma que Dios te estas ignorando. Los deseos de tu corazón durante estas temporadas de silencio, no se han hecho realidad porque Dios esta probando tu fe. 

Tuve que aprenderlo de una manera muy difícil.

Hoy aprendí que Dios intencionalmente niega tus peticiones para que tu fe crezca. ¿¡Qué maravilloso!? Dios se encontrará contigo en el camino,  para que tu perseverancia permita que el Espíritu Santo se encuentre contigo a donde vas o a tu destino final. 

Entonces, si tienes dudas y constantemente sientes que Dios te falla, recuerda que todo sucede por una razón. Aprovecha este momento para construir una relación con Él, para que Él pueda cumplir los planes que tiene para ti. 💫

THE RAW, THE REAL, AND THE UGLY: YOUR COMPLICATED MESS MADE UNCOMPLICATED

We've all been there. The feeling that life is not where you want it to be. Things in your life have gotten even more complicated as the years go by and your faith is falling short. You tread waters you knew not to get your feet into, yet despite this knowledge, you fight any attempt to get help from God. At this point, the raw, the real, and the ugly side of your inner self begin to manifest. Now let's take a deeper dive into how God can uncomplicate your complicated mess. 

THE RAW 

What comes to mind when you think of the word 'raw'? Uncooked meat? Open flesh? Well in a sense that's where we are heading. In this case, it refers to what is open, exposed, and vulnerable: our soul. If you're like me, being vulnerable is oftentimes frightening. But why? To be honest it makes me feel prone to manipulation. But God does not want to manipulate you, rather He wants to mold you for a specific purpose. How can God use me? To be rightfully used by God, you must be open and vulnerable to be transformed by Him. Once you open yourself up to Him, He will show you the plans He has laid down for you. God has a purpose for you, and although it may be hard for you to see it right now, trust and believe that He is working all things for your good. Remember, God's intentions aren't to destroy you, rather He plans to lift you up. But he won't be able to do that without your consent. Many times we are made to believe that our God is forceful and that we as humans bend to the will of God.  Truth is,  He never wants to force His love upon you. Instead, He has given you a choice to follow Him and obey His Word. If you follow that choice to walk with Him and spread the Gospel, then He will be able to work through you as He sees fit. 

THE REAL 

God is real. His power is real, and thus His love can be felt. I know this because I have far too often tried to shake off His presence and feel His connection. Even as a woman of God, I still struggle with maintaining a connection with Him. Does that make me less holy? No, it makes me human. Truth is, no one has their spiritual life all put together. Our walk is a constant spiritual battle that we try to overcome. It's part of the process, and it will only make our faith stronger. So get real with God right now. Find a moment to lay all out everything that is on your mind. Ask for forgiveness, and cherish this moment in your quiet space to reveal everything you've been hiding. Share with Him what no one else knows, and ask Him to transform you from the inside out. This small yet intimate step might be just what you need to declutter your mind, heart, and soul from everything impeding your walk with God. 

THE UGLY 

You have to go through the pain before you can grow from it. No one said finding your purpose was going to be easy. Your walk is going to get ugly before it gets better. Each day that goes by will be more agonizing than the next, especially when we are not willing to go through the change. Stop carrying the weight of your world on your shoulders, for once just let God take control.  There will come a time where releasing your life to Him is the only option you have. So why not give Him the chance right now to mend your broken soul? Do not continue walking around with a hardened heart. So give God a chance. Allow Him to open your heart in order to receive all the blessings He has in store. 

HOW CAN GOD UNCOMPLICATE MY COMPLICATED MESS?

God can only intervene if you allow Him to. Therefore, the best way for God to make your complicated mess uncomplicated is by letting go and trusting in Him. Give him access to the most vulnerable parts of you so that you can work on strengthening your relationship with Him. The main reason our mess looks complicated is that we let the world define our worth instead of God. When we let that happen, we try to do so many things at once, trying to please the world and what eventually happens is that we end up coming up short. We never get to fully reap the benefits from our harvest because it wasn't our harvest, to begin with. Instead, we lose focus on the most valuable piece in our lives: God's love. When we give in to the lies of the enemy, we lose sight of the goodness of Christ. All He wants to do is help you throughout your journey and find your purpose. But you can't find your purpose in material things that are insignificant to the One who sits on the throne. 

LIFE AFTER THE THESIS DEFENSE

I know this is long overdue but... I PASSED MY THESIS DEFENSE!!

Sorry for the late update, everything has been a whirlwind of emotions since then. On top of that, the world is currently suffering through a terrible pandemic which is something I never thought I'd experience in my lifetime, yet here we are. But I will leave my comments on that for another post. In the meantime, stay safe and remember to thoroughly wash your hands!

So I passed my defense, great. What's next?

A few weeks ago I made the decision to leave my university to be with my husband. During our time social distancing, I have made some revisions to my thesis as requested by my mentor and also have been spending HOURS studying for the MCAT (yes, again). This time around it feels like I have a clearer focus as to what I need to do and how I  must prepare myself. With that said, I am hoping to apply to MD and MD/PhD programs if my MCAT score is good enough. Although these past few years doing research have been a challenge, it has also been an eye-opening experience for me. Working in the lab made me put what I was studying in classes into perspective. I also felt that expanding my knowledge and skillset in this field can only benefit me and my future patients.

I'm excited and nervous to see what's around the corner. I've been on this journey for way too long and I feel like now is the perfect time for me to shine. So if you're still trying to achieve some goals and make dreams come true, do not give up. There will be a moment where everything falls into place at the right time, 

COUNTDOWN TO THESIS DEFENSE: DAY 1

WOW. I can't believe my thesis defense is tomorrow. Just thinking that around this time tomorrow I will officially have the M.S after my name is crazy. This journey has been the most challenging ever, but I know I'm not finished. Being in this program was so empowering for me. I joined because I wanted to learn more about the reproductive system and to better understand the factors affecting reproductive function. I am hoping to use what I have learned in these two years, to make a difference in the Latinx community worldwide.

This is still only a small part of an even bigger journey. It has taken me years to get to this point in my life, and I am immensely grateful for the roadblocks I've experienced because they have only made me stronger. I am my biggest competitor, and that will never change. It's important to focus on how the path you're currently on, will make you flourish in a new environment. Whatever your journey, just remember that you will adapt to your current situation. It will amaze you how much you've accomplished, yet how much room there still is for improvement. And yes, it's going to be so overwhelming to the point that you consider giving up. Sometimes it'll make you wonder why you even set foot on this journey, to begin with. But your feet are already on the pavement and you have to keep moving forward. 

COUNTDOWN TO THESIS DEFENSE: DAY 9

Don't you just love reading scientific literature? This is  a paper published by my lab a few years ago!

I met with my advisor today, and boy do I have some revisions to make! I need to do some more literature review to back up my thoughts regarding the results I've obtained thus far,  and this iced coffee is setting me in the mood. I plan on getting at least 80% of my revisions done in the next 6 hours, so keep me in your prayers! I'm both excited and nervous just thinking that my final draft will be sent out no later than this Friday. On top of that, my defense is next Friday so I still have to prepare my defense slides and go over them a few times before the real deal. Anyways let me not waste my time. I just wanted to give you all an update on where my head is at right now and what I have left to accomplish!

COUNTDOWN TO THESIS DEFENSE: DAY 10

After a mental breakdown a few weeks ago, and constantly living in a bubble of self-doubt, I submitted a draft of my thesis to my PI last night.

 I am DRAINED.

My thesis defense is only 10 DAYS away which is kinda crazy that these past two years have flown by in the blink of an eye! I'm currently full of nerves and overall doubtful about how I will perform during my defense. But I have to do my best to put my feelings aside, seeing that I'm not out of the woods just yet. Honestly, in these past few weeks leading up to this moment, I have realized a few things about my character that I have to change regarding how I perceive myself. Some of these things were no eyeopener, yet I have a difficult time understanding how much of an impact my negative thoughts have on my personal growth.

From this day forward, I vow to not think negatively of myself and to always keep a positive mindset. When things don't go as planned, I need to learn to relax take a step back and figure out what I can do at that moment. I also need to be more open to taking constructive criticism. If I'm honest, I take them too personally and end up feeling attacked rather then given appropriate advice. However, I need to change that adjust my mindset to make substantial progress in an academic or professional setting. 

Most times people believe I have my life altogether and look up to me for that reason. They believe everything works out perfectly for me, but in reality, it has not. I too struggle with a lot of things on a personal and spiritual level that I don't necessarily like to share. And I'm working on adjusting my perception of self so that I am not too critical of myself throughout this journey. Because every day is just another opportunity to be better than the last. Striving towards your goals, and embracing your failures is all part of the process. So if you've been a bit too self-critical lately, relax. You're doing just enough at this moment to reach your goal. Remember that.

COUNTDOWN TO THESIS DEFENSE: DAY 22

Sometimes you have to understand that there are a lot of events in life that are out of your control. Life still moves on while you're in graduate school and death is stranger to no one. I found out this week that my uncle passed away. And to be honest, it has been quite difficult to process his death, while at the same time focusing on my research. Yesterday I cried while doing experiments, in between experiments, and during my lunch break. I'm sure my lab-mates probably thought I was having a mental breakdown. No one asked if I was ok, yet at the same time, I did not want to discuss my family member's death with anyone. 

I wanted to grieve, yet I felt that I had to at least be level headed while in the lab. I felt that the demands of grad school needed me to be strong and move on. Even though I wanted to purchase a plane ticket and mourn with my family, I knew I couldn't because I am behind on experiments and didn't think my PI would give me the time off. My thesis submission is next Friday and my defense at the end of this month. 

So, I did my best today to push through and focus on what I had planned. And so far, I'm feeling hopeful that I can generate some data by the end of this week or early next week. In science, it's all about telling a convincing story with the results you generate. And that can take a lot of time, especially when you need to compare your research to work that has already been done. Then the pinnacle aspect of science is explaining how your research contributes to the gap in knowledge within the field. 

COUNTDOWN TO THESIS DEFENSE: DAY 28

I feel like all I have done so far in this countdown to my thesis defense is to complain and cry. And for those who actually read my blog, I'm sorry about that. But it's been rough for your girl in the lab. I have gotten stuck into the mentality that just because I followed a protocol, it is guaranteed to work each time. But not everything happens on the first, second, or even seventh attempt!

Sometimes research is similar to a Pinterest fail: you see something you like, you try it out, and at the end of the day it looks nothing like the pin you saw! So what do you do with it? Try again? Throw it away? Or do you try to make the best out of what you have?

There could be something you are doing wrong, and aren't aware of. So whenever possible, ask your colleagues for help, and get into the habit of talking out your issues with someone and troubleshooting new ideas. It may lead to the answer you're looking for, and in my opinion, it's the best way to get a clearer understanding of the experiment you're performing.

So that's what I did. And although I haven't been able to successfully execute this very important experiment, I'm glad that I am able to talk through my issues and plan accordingly. I would have never developed those kinds of skills if every experiment I did was successful. It is easy to forget that our failures actually strengthen us. They allow you to display true grit and provide you with the aptitude to succeed. Therefore, do not be afraid of failure, instead, I encourage you to embrace it. You never know how much stronger your failures will make you.

COUNTDOWN TO THESIS DEFENSE: DAY 33

It's a Saturday night, and I'm in the lab.

I was feeling hopeful about today's attempt at isolating some plasmid DNA from bacteria, seeing that I was trying out a new protocol.

Well... my DNA yield on all my samples was pretty low. Nothing at this point seems to be working in my favor and I feel like my data isn't representative of the effort I have put into this project. To this date, I have three pieces of data.

Yep, that's it.

Not gonna lie, I feel like ditching this part of my thesis project but it is a crucial aspect to understanding the bigger picture. I feel like I'm taking all the necessary steps to make this project work, yet I have nothing to show for it. I'm trying to remain positive about all of this, because at the end of the day my failures are allowing me to refine my technique, and think more like a scientist. 

Hopefully, next week will be better.

COUNTDOWN TO THESIS DEFENSE: DAY 41

Re-stripping blot to incubate a new antibody of interest!

Since my last post, I tried catching up on two experiments that I have either been slacking on or have had trouble getting results from. Those two experiments are a Western Blot and cloning of a short hairpin RNA into a plasmid respectively. Needless to say, I didn't see any bands after re-stripping my blot the other day. And my cloning experiment is still a failure. I know these two procedures should be fairly simple, but tasks are usually difficult when you lack experience. Although these experiments aren't as easy as I had hoped, I'm learning from my mistakes. 

Sometimes it takes stepping away from a problem to view it at a different angle. Taking time to think about the process, has helped me better understand the problem at hand. With my thesis defense approaching next month, my mind is all over the place and lately, I find that I am not enjoying my research project because I'm so focused on getting data. I have to reset my mindset, go back to the drawing board and remember why I started. 

I have to evaluate every step I've made up until this point. This journey has been TOUGH, but I would have never expected to meet the woman I am today 4 years ago. I have to keep working smarter, not harder and finish this last quarter off strong! 

If you're also struggling to meet a deadline, or are having a difficult time keeping up with work or are just hitting a wall each time, try to take a step back, breathe, and start again. Things will go much smoother when your mind is decluttered!

COUNTDOWN TO THESIS DEFENSE: DAY 43

My thesis defense has been set for February 28th, 2020. I have 43 days to scramble enough data, submit my thesis, and prepare a presentation for my defense. For someone who has never had research experience, all of this is extremely overwhelming. Ever since getting back from winter break I have been arriving at the lab by 8:30-9:00 am and end up leaving at around 6:30-7:30 pm every single day. Needless to say, I am beyond exhausted. Nothing seems to be going the way it should, and honestly I feel that I have become quite sloppy when performing experiments. I know that I am not perfect, and everything won't go as planned but it's been months trying to get ONE experiment to work and I'm at my wit's end.

My anxiety is at an all-time high, and I'm trying my best to not let it control my thoughts and actions. I simply have to take a deep breath and attempt to work smarter instead of harder in order to see the improvements I need. Overall, I am extremely grateful for all the experiences I've had in this program and wish I could stay to improve on certain lab skills. However, I know that whatever I have learned here, will prove to benefit me in the long run.

So I'm gonna buckle up, stop complaining, and keep on grinding!